Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Truth

Last night's post wasn't easy to write.  Or maybe it was too easy... because I held back an "elephant-in-the-room" emotion and instead masked it behind a whole bunch of other stuff ... including what may have appeared to be self-righteous feelings about induction.

Allow me to clarify that induction is not a lesser form of childbirth. - that is not my belief in the slightest.  Nor is having a baby via c-section, for that matter.  Growing a life and bringing him/her into this world - in whatever means necessary - is nothing short of amazing and beautiful and miraculous.  My views on induction are based - not on my judgment of moms who have been induced - but on these three things ... 
  1. My first experience, which resulted in high expectations for future births.  Setting high expectations (realistic or not) - and then being disappointed is a recurring theme in my life.  I am afraid that I won't weather the storm of an induced labor with the same sense of calm.  While I trust my specialist, I don't want her to induce me unnecessarily.  I can see myself getting very stressed and anxious and scared during a process that is out of "my" control.
  2. Which leads me to the second thing.  I am grappling for some control in this situation.  It's a total head game, and I know that.  But relinquishing my body's right to tell me when it's time for this baby to be born represents a loss of control that is really hard for me, a self-confessing control freak.  For some reason having my water break at home seems like something that is in my control ... I realize that doesn't make any sense :)
  3. From what my specialist indicated, if induction is needed it will be much sooner than later.  I could be bringing a baby into this world after just 33 weeks of "baking."  The possibility of such an outcome, the complications of a premature birth, (although I do know that babies born at 33 weeks have been known to thrive, too) are very real and scary. 

Stomp!  Stomp!  Stomp!
And here's that elephant in the room ...

I am scared.  Very, very afraid that despite all the well wishes and positive thoughts, this all isn't going to be okay.  So many other times in my life, it has been okay ... after some worry and concern and endurance, it all ends up fine ... I look back at the moments spent worrying and just smile and shake my head.

I can't help but feel I've run out of my supply of "okay." I've used up all my  "it all worked out in the end."  I can't shake this feeling that it's my turn to experience something awful.  This has plagued me since early in my pregnancy.  I read so many blogs and hear so many stories from moms I know of pregnancies that don't end happily.  I wish ignorance were bliss, but I know what I know ... and heartbreaking, awful things happen in what should be the most joyous of circumstances.  And that's the truth.

Oh, it is so terrifying to let those thoughts out of my head.

Do you ever do that?  Feel like things in your life are so good that lightening is sure to strike.  That your blessings are too bountiful? That you're due a big dose of hardship and heartache ... because that's the only way to have balance?

Please know that the comments left on yesterday's post are very reassuring and help to make this dark cloud seem less ominous.  I just wanted to finish what I started and try to dig deeper toward the truth of what I am feeling.  (Thanks, Chitown Momma, for the nudge I needed.)


Joy said...

that was a totally honest post. I just started reading your blog. I have 2 LO's and both pregnancies I was always concerned. From what I gather, you have some complications and that of course makes things harder. I don't know how things will turn out for you, but I know that thinking positive makes a big difference. ((hugs))

Epiphius said...

Since you brought it up, there is the possibility that everything won't be okay. I hope and pray that it is. You're a strong woman with an incredible husband and wonderful daughter. IF things don't go well, you have it in you and around you to get through it. I've been there and there are reserves of strength that you don't know exist until you need them to get through a day without the perfect baby you imagined.

Please take this how I mean it, but God forbid things don't go well, each day that you have BGV in your belly is a day that you have with her. It's to be cherished. Even though this is a super trying time for you guys, BGV is with you and letting her presence be known (precious hiccups!). Get to know her and make sure she knows you love her.

Rachel said...

We have an early kiddo... and he is just fine. Delivery was a total head game (you are spot on) and I refused to cave to fear and had the best experience ever.

Absolutely cherish each day of your pregnancy (I mean, I LOVED being pregnant, even though I knew something was seriously wrong with our child's health... there was just something about being so close to that little guy).

I totally get you about "being in control" when your water breaks at home. I really do.

Praying for Baby Girl to cook awhile longer and for you to have an amazing experience delivering her :)

Evonne said...

I, too, understand about "being in control" when your water breaks. You don't know when it will happen, but when it does you know exactly what to do from that point on.

Being induced is an unknown and you have every right to be scared. It sounds like you have good doctors who will do what they can to keep you and your little girl safe. I hope that everything turns out for the best for everyone involved.

Miss Mel said...

Glad you shared that! My girlfriend had a baby last year at 32 weeks. She was also very little, had placenta issues and bled heavily mulitiple times during her pregnancy. Baby and mom are great, and even though being a full 8 weeks early, she is ahead of most full term babies on talking and walking!
D-your time is not up. You are a great person, you need to feel what you are feeling. Trying to hide it will make you feel worse. You can call me at 4 am if you want...you know to come to my apt cause Chad is away! One of my favorite memories. You are as precious as your kids...and I know you will look back on this when BGV is 18 and sassing you and say "DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH WITH YOU?". I plan to do that with Tucker :)

Mommy Lisa said...

From one who likes control to another...I feel ya.

I hope you feel better now that you put the elephant out on the internet.

Chi-town momma said...

Oh how I wished we lived close again, so I could give you big hugs!
I remember waiting for my amnio results with Benjamin thinking many of these same thoughts - was I too blessed? did God think I was the person who could handle a special needs child? how could this time that is supposed to be so exciting and wonderful be so stressful? I also remember being ready to bitch slap a friend, who had these two perfect girls with completely uncomplicated pregnancies, every time she told me, "It will all be fine!" I just wanted to shake her and remind her that she didn't have a clue and that nobody did, if he WOULD be fine! And sadly, that is the scary truth - nobody knows!!! The best you can do is love her, talk to her, sing to her, all the same things you did while NHV was in there. THere is no quota of goodness that a person is allotted. And you have had plenty of heartache to balance your blessings, you just choose not to dwell on them. You by nature focus on the good stuff, which is how you know that regardless of what happens, there will be goodness and blessings from this sweet baby girl. I love you bunches, my friend. I view you as one of MY blessings in life!

Jessica said...

Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. Because 1- It doesn't always work out and admitting that is terrifying. and 2- I know how you feel waiting for "the other shoe to drop". I have been feeling that in my own life lately(though not pregnancy related).

It's ok to be scared, admit it, and ask for help. That's why there are other great people in our lives, to help lift us when we can't stand on our own. I will pray for you and 2.0. I truely hope everything works out for the best.

Emmett Joseph said...

D-You are right...things can go wrong. There is nothing wrong with being afraid. I have had many fears about E's long term health following his past and present surgeries. I allow myself my moments of complete and utter fear, and then...I breathe. I take one look at that precious little boy that I have the honor of calling my son, and I thank God for every moment I have with him. You should do the same. Enjoy each minute of your pregnancy--no matter how miserable some of those minutes may be :) Just know that we all love you and we love that little girl growing inside of you. Kisses and hugs from CO.

Emmett Joseph said...

PS: It took me three separate attempts to comment today, because I kept blubbering :) Love you!

kys said...

I'm glad you finished this and were able to share your fears. I hope and pray that everything is ok for you and your little one.

(I like to have control over things as well. The unknown is torturous.)

Oliver'sMom said...

D I'm right there with you this week. My OB scared the life out of me last week by saying "you shouldn't be worried about the lump you found in your left breast, but have you FELT the one in the right?!?!"...Mamogram Tuesday...I was a sobbing mess when you got to the part about thinking that things have been so wonderful, now it's like we owe a pennace of crap. Reading your friend's comments was "by proxy" comforting to me too...Rest, and stay the @#$% away from Google!

SupahMommy said...


it's always so scary

I've got 3 dana and ... have always always toggled with .. the i've won the lottery part. why try my luck again...

the unknown is the unknown... for all of us.
love up on her like chi said...
you can do this
you were meant for this; you can do this

you'll know more on monday- and be better able to place your feelings in proper categories: like a spreadsheet
which i know you are good at

i thought of callling you today when i was STRUGGLIN with one.

that had 3 cells

yah. Hope you laughed.

you can do this


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