Monday, October 19, 2009

Quick Update & Thoughts

Today's ultrasound was uneventful, and I am currently in the frame of mind to think no news is good news.  Placenta looks good.  It's anterior, which means it's in the front ... but we already knew that.  It makes clear images a bit of a challenge.  Apparently "shooting" through amniotic fluid makes for much better images.  My tech seemed a little grouchy about this, and I felt like sticking my tongue out at her and making truly juvenile noise ... but I resisted the temptation :)  Umbilical cord looks good.  Blood flow looks good.  And Baby Girl 2.0 even took a breath for us, which only happens like once every 30 minutes ... so it was exciting to catch her in action!

  • While waiting for the tech, I felt 2.0's hiccups for the first time ... so cute and rhythmic!  (Apparently feeling those hiccups is tough with an anterior placenta.)
  • The tech took a few minutes at the end to capture Baby Girl's face in 3-D.  Seeing her little nose and lips just made me smile and then cry (like I am right now).  My little diva had the back of her hand pressed to her forehead in a gesture that spoke volumes ... "Enough already!"   I second that emotion, BGV!  Just precious, I tell ya!
  • Baby Girl 2.0 passed today's "wellness" ultrasound and non-stress test.  And no new "red flags" popped up.

This appointment did not include measurements of baby's growth; that's scheduled for next Monday.  I am still trying (more like forcing myself) to stay out of my head and off the search engines.  I wallowed and panicked for several days last week ... after hearing the word "induction" from a fetal specialist - at just 29 weeks into my pregnancy - I was sad and worried and stressed.  And I think I need to dump a few thoughts here now ...

Thoughts about Size, Last Week: Hearing that BGV had slipped below that all important 10th percentile was devastating.  I immediately wanted to know what I had done wrong or what I should've done but didn't.  Despite what I was hearing from the specialist and my own doctor, I fought that blame game to no avail.  I also wanted to know what I could do to improve her chances of a growth spurt in the next two weeks.  Feeling powerless isn't an emotion that sits well with me.

Thoughts about Size, Now: I've made peace with the idea of a small baby ... mainly because my mom reminded me that I am/was a late bloomer.  And I am the runt of my family.  Perhaps my little 2.0 will be just that, little ... my little peanut.  And, well, as I've heard from so many other mommies, there's always the possibility that the measurements are off ... that without any other indications of a problem, perhaps she's either taking her time growing big and strong or she's not as small as the doctor's predict.  I am also feeling bigger this week, and her movements seems "bigger," too ... like elbows and knees coming through my abdomen! That's a good sign, right?!

Thoughts about Induction, Last Week:  I hate the idea of having my labor forced induced.  My first labor was empowering; I did it without drugs and without fear.  I trusted my body, and it felt incredible to be able to do that.   After 8 weeks of contractions and bedrest, my water broke at home, my cervix dilated to 7 cm before I even got to the hospital, I was able to focus and breath through the contractions, and my healthy baby was born in about 4 hours total.  It was MY labor not my doctor's; she was simply there to catch the baby and stitch me up.  The decisions were mine, and my body didn't let me down.  After that kind of experience, it's tough to consider the opposite ...  induction. 

Thoughts about Induction, Now: Induction is an option that I hate to consider.  However, if it's decided - with adequate evidence - that's what is best for my Baby Girl 2.0, then so be it.  Perhaps it won't be as awful as I imagine.  It won't be easy for me to let go of the expectations I had for my second labor experience, but ... I either will or I'll grieve it later.

Thought about IUGR: Intra-uteral Growth Restriction is not a term my doctor's have used, but it's what keeps turning up every time I google, "pregnancy + fetal growth below 10th percentile."  The causes and consequences of that diagnosis are overwhelming and scary.  But until I have next week's growth measurements and an actual diagnosis (if there ever is one), I am not going there ... my sanity won't let me.

Thoughts about my Pregnancy:  This hasn't been an easy 30 weeks.  And I am trying really hard not to wish away the remaining 10 ... or however many I get.  Even with 8 weeks of bedrest during my first pregnancy, I remember being pregnant with great fondness.  This is a very special time in a woman's life ... a time to nurture another life.  With daily (sometimes painful to tears) contractions and more appointments than I can even count, I am having a hard time being fond of this experience, which makes me feel selfish and guilty.  But none of that changes my love for this little girl.  My intense desire to do what is best for her.  My hope that I can get her closer to term before she makes her way into this world.

Appreciation:  I cannot thank you all enough for the support you've offered me during this time.  You've encouraged, listened, shared your own experiences, and helped me get through a tough time.  Most comforting is knowing that you'll be here for me if things do get worse ... and you'll help me celebrate when things turn out just fine :)


JosiahsMommy said...

*hugs* I know it's hard to imagine having such a different labor this time, but each labor experience offers new challenges I'm sure. I was induced with my son and everything worked out well. I was terrified and did a lot of googling (google is NOT your friend. lol) too. I didn't really make peace with the induction until it was underway and I realized I was doing what was best for my baby. I wouldn't wish it on you, but I know you can still have an empowering experience even if you have to have a bit of pitocin to help you out.

BJ_Mama said...'s not as bad as it sounds. That's what they diagnosed Sam/Me with and why they induced my labor at 37 weeks. (P.S. I WAS HUGE! So it has nothing to do with you, mama...don't matter, it's how GOD makes 'em) They predicted her to be smaller than she actually was. YAY! But, we've been dealing with her "smallness" ever since. Lots and Lots of tests....those doctors just won't rest until they have a diagnosis...and they still don't have one...but they haven't found a single thing that is actually "wrong" with her...she's just small. So, that's the positive outlook I wish to bestow upon you. If she's small, she's small! Ain't nothing wrong with that! ****GREAT BIG BEAR HUGS FROM WI****

Anna said...

so pleased today went well, I've been thinking about you from 6000 miles away and praying for the best.
take care

Evonne said...

Doctors are not always right when it comes to the size of a baby. They were wrong with both of mine. And if the only thing "wrong" is that she's small, than you're right, you will have a little peanut.

Please take it easy on Googling things. When it comes to medical stuff, it only causes you to worry more and you don't need extra stress.

Take care! I am sending many hugs and good thoughts your way!

kys said...

I'm glad your appointment went well. I agree with Evonne that doctors aren't always right in their predictions. I think they tend to lean toward the worst case scenario in our litigious society.

My prayers and thought will be with you through the remainder of your pregnancy.

stb said...

Many healthy baby thoughts coming your way. Hang in there!!

The World As I See It said...

We will always be there for you! No worries she will be just fine!

Epiphius said...

It seems that your mind and body are in sync. Your mind says stay inside and grow, and you have a cervix of steel! Or so I've read... :)

Glad everything went well today!

SupahMommy said...

Um.. none of my pregnancies were glorious in the fact that I enjoyed them. So I'm a 3 x guilt trip momma! But don't think of that stuff!

Let the guilt go and focus. The important part is that you're taking care of her. She's still in there D! She's still in there!

And induction. You'll still have control over everything else. I was induced twice. I still came out of it knowing I did my part. The important part.

Going up to read more.

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