Sighs of Relief

I think my sweet husband put it best when he said, "It's so good to have YOU back."

After a drama-filled, worrisome, painful, stressful pregnancy, I finally feel like I can breath many, many sighs of relief.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!

My beautiful BGV was born healthy and as close to perfect as any parent has the right to dream.  Yes, she's tiny, but she's also mighty!  While she/we did endure a stay in the NICU, medical intervention was minimal ... it was really all about monitoring her ... and giving her the chance to figure out suck-swallow-breath ... and being in awe of this tiny 36 week-er who proved that gestational age is just a number ;)

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!

After dreading an induction, I can honestly say it was the best labor experience I can imagine.  I have a great relationship with my OB, and she cleared her entire schedule to be with me at the hospital all day.  She graciously took into account my feelings about natural labor and helped me to manage my pain (and motivate my cervix) without Pitocin or an epidural.  In addition to the best doctor in the world, I also had an amazing nurse who made sure I was comfortable and empowered.  And I fell in love - all over again - with my husband who coached me and kept me focused on the prize :) 

With a dose of "steel-melting" gel on my cervix-o-steel, my uterus stayed true to its grumpy disposition and contracted like a champ. I was able to trust my body to do what it already knows how to do, and I had that all-important "control" over the situation.

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!

My post-partum recovery has been a piece of cake in comparison to the physical demands of a contraction-filled pregnancy.  Physically, I feel great; I've all but forgotten that I even have a uterus!  Birthing such a tiny baby had the advantage of no tearing in the nether-regions.  And with around-the-clock pumping, engorgement (the worst part when I had NHV) wasn't even that bad.  Don't get me wrong, I am exhausted, and I am definitely feeling the hormone surges and dips.  But overall, I am in a much better place physically! 

Of course, the twice-a-week doctor's appointments continue ... but no more non-stress tests or ultrasounds ... just weigh-ins for CJV!

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Announcing the Arrival of CJV

Hurray!

Charlotte Jane

arrived December 2 at 6:55 pm

She weighs a teeny, tiny 4 pounds 9 ounces

and measures just 15 3/4 inches long!

The induction was actually a wonderful experience. 

Everything went just as smoothly as possible.

My awesome doctor was here all day.

The nurse took such good care of us.

Hubby was an amazing labor coach.

CJV is spending time in the NICU to monitor her blood sugar,

ability to regulate body temperature,

and oxygen saturation levels during feedings. 

She's been extremely cooperative through it all. 

I am feeling great ... aside from being very hungry and a little sore.

I am the momma of two beautiful daughters. 

How very blessed I am!

Anticipation

Signs of growth 

Sighs of relief

Deep breaths

Tingle of anticipation

We found out at today's ultrasound appointment that BGV did make a marginal gain in her abdominal circumference.  I was not impressed by the very small number (she falls in the second percentile), but my specialist was ... to the point that she is now recommending an induction later this week, Monday at the latest ... rather than tomorrow.  Which means BGV gets a few extra days to grow and allow her lungs to mature a bit more!  Of course, that also means continued monitoring and more doctor's appointments, but ... whatever ;)  I should know the official "plan" tomorrow after seeing my OB for another non-stress test and cervix check ... woo hoo!

At this point, I have completely embraced the idea of an induction.  So many of you shared stories and insights to help me to get to this better place!  I know that drugs will initiate what my body already knows how to do I will trust my body as well as very close monitoring of the baby to see us both through to the very best possible outcome.

Ah, the anticipation of meeting her ... and sharing her with all of you ... is really starting to make me crazy ... in the best way!

D-RA-MA Queen & Whiplash

So it's official, BGV will further more be known as DQV ... she is such a freakin' Drama Queen!

I was not in good shape last night.  Panic set-in and I just couldn't get it under control. My cheeks were suddenly very flushed and fetal movement was faint and infrequent ... even when I jostled her a bit.  I came very close to calling my doctor, but CPV calmed me down. 

Finally at about 1:00 am, she had a little bout of hiccups and I was able to relax and get some much needed sleep!  I woke up a short time later ... to have a snack because I wasn't able to eat much in the evening ... just too upset and conflicted.  During that quiet time in the middle of the night, I looked at photos of NHV's birth and had an emotional breakthrough, an epiphany, if you will.  I took a very deep cleansing breath, and just felt calm for the first time in several days.   I woke up feeling the same way; relaxed, rested, and calm ... there were even a few peaks of sun through the clouds to punctuate my changed mood.

NHV slept her usual 12 hours, and CPV made us a delicious breakfast.  The morning was off to such a nice start ... and I headed out the door for my fourth doctor's appointment of the week.

The first twenty minutes of the "non-stress" test today were ... well, stressful.  While there was clearly a heart beat, there was no evidence of heart reactivity.  Of course, I wasn't having any contractions either ... after 12 weeks of non-stop, medicated contractions ... nothing.  We gave the baby a few gentle squeezes to get some reactivity, but none of it was unprovoked.  That 20-minutes of tape sent everyone into a panic and paperwork was started for an emergency c-section.

I stayed on the monitor for another hour, and guess what ... Drama Queen smirked her little smirk at all of us (perhaps even thumbed her nose, that little stinker), and her heart was perfectly reactive the entire time.  And the contractions made a come back, too. Her heart rate even sustained through the contractions, which was yesterday's red flag!  The doctors (my OB and one of her partners) were just shaking their heads and saying things like, "Can this even be the same baby?"  I went from sobs to smiles but remained cautiously optimistic because ... that's just how this pregnancy has gone ... one minute good news, the next we're scrambling to figure out an escape plan!  That's the whiplash of growing a Drama Queen in your uterus!

By the end of almost two hours, it was decided that the plans for a c-section would be set aside.  Monitoring will resume on Friday morning, ultrasound on Monday afternoon, and OB appointment on Tuesday morning to determine the "when" of the induction.  There is still a tiny glimmer of hope for a growth spurt. 

At this point, I am accepting the idea of an induction.  There is simply no reason to fret about it or fight against it.  Getting this baby girl into the world happy and healthy is my number one priority.  In the meantime, I am going to savor the next five days with my awesome husband and daughter :)

Thank you again for the continued love for me, BGV DQV, and my family!

More News About BGV 2.0

So yesterday's news of an induction rocked my world ... to be sure. 

Today's mention of a possible c-section just about did me in.  At least now that induction seems like a great option ... there's a silver lining, right?!

So why the possible c-section?

Well, during my non-stress test (such a freakin' oxymoron!) today - at my OB's office - BGV's heart was reacting negatively to the many contractions I was having.  Essentially, her heart rate would plummet at the end of each contraction.  These contractions - the ones I've been having since 22 weeks and stop treating with meds last week are still considered "pre-term labor" contractions.  As far as we know, they are not affecting my cervix.  If I am induced or go into labor naturally, the intensity and productivity of those contractions would obviously (and hopefully) change.  Increased contractions with a heart reacting like BGV's would not be an ideal situation.  It would put her in distress, a scenario my OB will not allow to happen.

Now the first non-stress test today lasted for 20 minutes.  I had two hard contractions during that time and both times BGV's heart rate dropped below baseline.  This was such a surprise to me because her heart  reactivity has been a point of praise from the doctors throughout all the previous monitoring.  Of course, I am now off my meds and having more contractions. A second non-stress test - this one an hour in duration (thanks, Janelle for keeping NHV) - was administered and the results weren't as dramatic but still not meeting my OB's expectations.  Rather than race into a c-section, my doctor wants to collect more data ... with another non-stress test tomorrow morning.  Are you beginning to see what I mean about "non-stress" being an oxymoron?!  Consider me officially STRESSED!

At this point, I am choosing to ignore the possibility of a c-section (can you say denial?) ... and instead focus on the induction that is tentatively scheduled for Tuesday.  Between now and Tuesday, I have several doctor's appointments and big plans for our final days as a family of three ... this is the control freak in me ...

• Tomorrow, November 25- 9 am "non-stress" test to check the baby's heart reactivity during contractions.  This will determine the need for a c-section. 
• Thursday, November 26 - I want to take a drive to see the snow in the mountains - what could become a Thanksgiving tradition for us.  And we are really looking forward to a delicious turkey dinner at Tammy's  house :)
• Friday, November 27 - Sometime in the morning, I will need to go to Labor & Delivery for another non-stress test ... because both my OB's and specialist's office are closed.
• Saturday, November 28 - There is this amazing display for holiday lights at a local Botanical Garden.   I would really love to take Natalie as a holiday season kick-off.  Another family tradition kind of thing.
• Sunday, November 29 - I should probably rest at some point, right?! And cuddle up with my CPV and NHV :)
  
• Monday, November 30 - final ultrasound for growth measurements in the afternoon. This is our Hail Mary pass to see if the abdominal circumference improves drastically ... I am not overly optimistic after a two week stall.  But, hey, anything is possible.
• Tuesday, December 1 - the big day, the day we meet BGV 2.0 :)  The induction is  not my first choice of birthing methods ... however something Chitown Momma said to me today gave me a whole new perspective.  She said -  in paraphrase format, "You haven't had any qualms about using drugs to control the contractions ... to do what's best for BGV and keep her baking as long as possible.  The induction is the same thing ... it's using drugs to initiate labor ... to do what's best for BGV."  Hearing those words and seeing them typed again here is a big sigh of relief for me.  This is exactly what I needed to understand.  Thank you, friend!  Heck, I'd push her out standing on my head if it meant that she would be healthy!
  
• Beyond Tuesday, I don't know what life will be like, and I am not even guessing.  I'll be so enamored with my new daughter and excited to introduce her to Natalie ... not much else will matter :)
  

If only I can sleep more than two hours tonight ... hoping this little control-freak dump will quiet my mind.

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Finally, and most importantly, I am awed and lifted up by the outpouring of concern and support and kind words and shared experiences and words of encouragement ... through blog comments and Facebook wall writings and emails and voice mails.  I know that BGV and I are wrapped in good thoughts and prayers and anticipation for the best possible outcome.  What a tremendous blessing!  Thank you, friends!

News about BGV 2.0

Induction tentatively set for next Tuesday, December 1. 

I see my OB at 9:00 am tomorrow and will know more then.

Heart and umbilical cord/brain blood flow still look good.  Very little growth overall and abdominal measurement completely stalled - no gain in two weeks.

Had first steroid shot today and will get second tomorrow ... to give her lungs a good boost. 

Looking for the positives.  Hoping for the best possible outcome.

I am exhausted.  Will try to put thoughts together in the morning. 

Good-bye to the Drugs

Na-Na-Na-Na

Na-Na-Na-Na

Hey, Hey, Hey

Good-bye!

After starting pre-term labor symptoms at 22 weeks ...

and starting on anti-contraction medications at that time ...

I am officially drug-free again!

Each day this week I've been lessening my dose of the calcium-blocker.  The side effects have been ... not as bad as I thought ... mainly just a few vague headaches and some leg cramps.

And, of course, that also means that I am definitely NOT contraction-free.  CPV has been amazing ... reminding me to rest, playing with Natalie in the evenings, humoring my crazy nesting-tendencies, ...

Well, if I'm being honest, I don't think I've been contraction-free in many, many weeks.  Even on the meds, I have still been having plenty of contraction-filled evenings.  But, at this point, 35 weeks gestation, if my uterus is ready to get serious - and stop messing around - then bring it on!

I just really, really hope that I am able to tell when I am in labor.  I've been ignoring my contractions for so long, I am a little fearful of skipping that first stage of labor.  That's what happened the first time, with NHV; after 8 weeks of bed rest, I was probably in labor all day, but didn't realize it ... until my water broke ... at home ... and things moved very quickly after that.

Deep cleansing breath.

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

I am really trying to relax about the whole getting-to-the-hospital-with-BGV-still -in-my-uterus thing.  Just in case, I googled "giving birth in a car" and "giving birth at home" ... ummm, yeah, I do NOT recommend this form of relaxation therapy.  The results include YouTube videos!

Now that I am practically hyper-ventilating ... one step at a time, MommyBrain.

I am drug-free ... and happy.

BGV 2.0 is moving around like crazy.

Growth ultrasound scheduled for Monday.

My mantra: Focus on enjoying the rest of this pregnancy and the time I have left with "just" my sweet Natalie.

BGV 2.0 - An Update

The twice weekly doctor appointment extravaganza continues.  And I must admit that I am growing very weary of it all.  Last week's appointment was a disaster - not from the standpoint of the baby's health but from my own physical and emotional well-being.  I hit a low last week ... feeling like I just don't want to be poked and prodded and monitored anymore.  But I stayed the course and kept my appointment for today... the experience was much better, and I wish I could say the same about the BGV news.

It's not terrible, awful, alarming news.  Actually, it's more of the same.  Today's measurements showed that BGV has slipped below the 10th percentile again.  (Sad face.  Bottom lip sticking out.)  She's making progress, but it's very slow progress.  I really wanted to hear that she's just my late bloomer - that she had this amazing growth spurt and shot up into the 20th percentile.  I set my expectations too high and set myself up for some disappointment.

But I am doing my best to focus on these facts

• that she IS still growing ... 
• and her heart looks fantastic ... 
• and the measurements (head, belly, leg) are showing consistencies ... 
• and she's a true wiggle worm ... 
• and she weighs about 3 pounds 12 ounces!

Because of the "lack of adequate progress,"  I win the grand prize of continued twice weekly doctor's appointments.  Oh, the joy!  At least I am getting to know my baby girl before I actually have her in my arms :)  And I am trying to think of those ultrasounds - with the soft lighting and warm belly jelly - as a weekly prenatal massage.  (How's that for a euphemism?)  Since Chad is able to keep NHV for me on Mondays, I do enjoy a few hours to myself ... driving in the car and listening to a radio station, reading a book or magazine while I wait, ... small pleasures :)

I did remember to take a few belly shots last week ... 

 

My friend and talented photographer has offered to take some actual maternity photos of me ... I think I should definitely take her up on that offer ... otherwise I will be forever known as the faceless mommy-to-be!

Bits of Randomness

BGV 2.0 & Appointment Details: Had my 10th ultrasound of this pregnancy yesterday.  (Tried to count all the OB appointments and NSTs, too ... but couldn't come up with a definite number.)  First and foremost, BGV 2.0 is looking great.  She continues to move and bounce around and try to escape through my right side. I just love her so much already!  Measurement ultrasound is scheduled for next week; my specialist is giving her two weeks to grow in between.  Good fluid levels, good blood flow, good heart reactivity.  Does my heart good to hear it's all good :)  P.S.  We are finally making some progress on her name ... narrowed a list of 9 down to 4!

Had a new ultrasound tech for yesterday's appointment, and let's just say I was not impressed.  Granted she was new to the practice, but she claimed to have 20+ years experience as a sonographer.  And I guess I should give her a break because it was her first day of a new job, but really I was not amused by some of the mistakes she made - and I've had this done enough to know how it should/should not be done.  She jabbered through the entire scan , told a toilet miscarriage story, and made me feel like she wasn't really paying attention.  She was really rough in her attempt to "startle" BGV to catch her taking a breath - and laughed about it.  And - her biggest blooper - she didn't wait for a "chaperone" and instead left the door slightly open while conducting the vag part of the exam and commented that her training - all those years ago - didn't include how to insert a vag thingy.  Ugh!  Seriously?!

My NST (non-stress test) was also a "training" session for a nurse moving from ultrasound to the NST side of things.  So I got to play guinea pig.  Again, not amused.  I've been poked and prodded and monitors to the max.  I've spent hours every Monday since like 22 weeks putting BGV's care in the hands of this practice.  Guess I am just growing a little tired and weary after so many appointments.  Shouldn't complain - things are good and all of this is tolerable.

MommyBrain Moment: Went to the market after dinner one night last week.  It was dark.  It was rainy. But I just needed to get out of the house - by myself.  Did my shopping and headed for the parking lot ... where I spent minutes - several long minutes - looking for my car.  Panic was setting in, and I decided to push the alarm button on my remote thingy.  I've never done that before, but desperate times ... 

Reached into my pocket to grab the keys.  It was then that I realized I had been looking for the wrong car.  I was driving my husband's silver truck, not my white SUV.  Stood there in the middle of the lot laughing hysterically.  Gotta love some MommyBrain! 

Favorite NHV Quote:  "Whur's mice jack-o-lattern full uff canneeee?"  And she says this in her hilarious "low" voice like she's trying to intimidate me or something.

Have a terrific Tuesday!

Good News, Two Funnies

Truly Fabulous News:  BGV 2.0 did make a growth gain in the past two weeks!  It was by no means an impressive growth spurt ... more like a little growth sprinkle ... but it was enough to get us out from underneath the dreaded 10th percentile ... we're now somewhere between the 10th and 15th.  Seems she is going to fall into that "little peanut" category.

Stupendous News: Non-stress Test (NST) results looked super again today.  BGV 2.0's heart is reactive beyond her gestational age.  Contractions were few.  The ultrasound also showed that my placenta, umbilical cord, and fluid levels are all looking good! 

Excellent News: Talk of induction is on the back burner - for now.  As long as she keeps making small gains, hopes are high that we'll make it to at least (my doctor even used that word) 36 weeks!  The goal is for baby to weigh 6 lbs. (which is like double her current weight) before delivery, so the longer she bakes the better :)  I was surprised that such a small gain had my specialist singing such a different tune ... perhaps she read my blog and knows the stress she caused me?!

Great News:  Can't forget the cervix!  My delightful "cervix of steel" is holding true to its name.  While it has shortened to around 3 cm, that is a completely normal measurement at this stage in pregnancy ... just past 31 weeks, if you're counting :)

Bearable-but-Not-Delightful News:  My preterm symptoms coupled with baby's small size still require me to be very closely monitored.  We will continue with twice weekly NSTs, weekly ultrasounds, and a growth scan every two weeks.  Ugh!  Seems like I've been to enough appointments for three pregnant mommas!

Two funny stories:

After so many ultrasounds, I actually have a favorite ultrasound technician.  His name is Phil, and I was so glad to see him today.  My anxiety level was a little high after all the stress of the past two weeks, and he immediately put me at ease!  Well, BGV 2.0 wasn't cooperating for the head circumference measurement, and we needed a cervical length measurement, too ... so Phil decided to "go vaginal,"  his words, not mine.  I was cracking up as he stepped out in the hall to ask a nurse to come chaperone the procedure - that's standard when "going vaginal."  Anyway, this whole sequence of events gave me the giggles, and then seeing BGV's head from that perspective struck me as so funny.  I was trying not to laugh ... and instead made these stifled giggle noises.  Phil, the guy with the wand up my vag, turned to me and said, "You better stop making all those little noises; you're going to get me in trouble!"  (And I bet he never expected those words to be posted on a blog within hours of saying them ... hee, hee, hee!)

At the end of our discussion,  I mentioned to my doctor that I was tired of people telling me I don't look "pregnant enough or pregnant at all."  I explained how I feel about that ... and added at these third trimester hormones are making me take action I normally wouldn't.  So I jokingly said, "There are days when I want to bust out my boxing gloves on some rude people."  (Obviously thinking of this recent post.)  Her response totally shocked me.  She said, "Well, I wouldn't blame you.  However if fistacuffs are going to ensue, I'd rather you let your husband take care of that."  First of all, she actually said, "fistacuffs"  and I am not entirely sure if she was joking!  Ha, ha, ha!  Guess I better follow doctor's orders ... watch out rude people, I am sending my baby-daddy after you!

Two Wrongs ...

... don't make a right.  I know, I know.  But I kind of couldn't help myself.  And it did feel right ... you know good ... at least for a minute or two ... and then I felt a little bad.

While out running errands, I crossed paths with a fellow mom that I know (but don't really know) through a mutual friend.  We exchanged greetings and made comments about how much our two-year-old girls have changed since last time we saw each other.  Blah, blah, blah, ... pleasantries and what-not.

And then she glanced down at my adorable baby bump and  asked, oh-so-sweet-and-innocently with a slightly bemused look on her face, "Are you pregnant (pause) or not?"

Wow! That's tactful, huh?  Because I've been hearing this kind of crap a lot lately, I recovered rather quickly.

My reply ... "Yep, due in December.  And I can't believe so-and-so (our mutual friend) didn't tell me that you're expecting, too!"

She's not ... pregnant ... and I totally knew that ... but I just couldn't resist. As far as I'm concerned, "Thems fightin' words!"

The Truth

Last night's post wasn't easy to write.  Or maybe it was too easy... because I held back an "elephant-in-the-room" emotion and instead masked it behind a whole bunch of other stuff ... including what may have appeared to be self-righteous feelings about induction.

Allow me to clarify that induction is not a lesser form of childbirth. - that is not my belief in the slightest.  Nor is having a baby via c-section, for that matter.  Growing a life and bringing him/her into this world - in whatever means necessary - is nothing short of amazing and beautiful and miraculous.  My views on induction are based - not on my judgment of moms who have been induced - but on these three things ... 

1. My first experience, which resulted in high expectations for future births.  Setting high expectations (realistic or not) - and then being disappointed is a recurring theme in my life.  I am afraid that I won't weather the storm of an induced labor with the same sense of calm.  While I trust my specialist, I don't want her to induce me unnecessarily.  I can see myself getting very stressed and anxious and scared during a process that is out of "my" control.
2. Which leads me to the second thing.  I am grappling for some control in this situation.  It's a total head game, and I know that.  But relinquishing my body's right to tell me when it's time for this baby to be born represents a loss of control that is really hard for me, a self-confessing control freak.  For some reason having my water break at home seems like something that is in my control ... I realize that doesn't make any sense :)
   
3. From what my specialist indicated, if induction is needed it will be much sooner than later.  I could be bringing a baby into this world after just 33 weeks of "baking."  The possibility of such an outcome, the complications of a premature birth, (although I do know that babies born at 33 weeks have been known to thrive, too) are very real and scary. 
   

Stomp!  Stomp!  Stomp!

And here's that elephant in the room ...

I am scared.  Very, very afraid that despite all the well wishes and positive thoughts, this all isn't going to be okay.  So many other times in my life, it has been okay ... after some worry and concern and endurance, it all ends up fine ... I look back at the moments spent worrying and just smile and shake my head.

I can't help but feel I've run out of my supply of "okay." I've used up all my  "it all worked out in the end."  I can't shake this feeling that it's my turn to experience something awful.  This has plagued me since early in my pregnancy.  I read so many blogs and hear so many stories from moms I know of pregnancies that don't end happily.  I wish ignorance were bliss, but I know what I know ... and heartbreaking, awful things happen in what should be the most joyous of circumstances.  And that's the truth.

Oh, it is so terrifying to let those thoughts out of my head.

Do you ever do that?  Feel like things in your life are so good that lightening is sure to strike.  That your blessings are too bountiful? That you're due a big dose of hardship and heartache ... because that's the only way to have balance?

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Please know that the comments left on yesterday's post are very reassuring and help to make this dark cloud seem less ominous.  I just wanted to finish what I started and try to dig deeper toward the truth of what I am feeling.  (Thanks, Chitown Momma, for the nudge I needed.)

Grow, Grow

Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it 

and whispers, “Grow, grow.”

 ~ the Talmud

This quote made its way to my inbox yesterday - at the height of my anxiety over the thought of another ultrasound - from a good friend and fellow blogger, Not Just a Mom. Along with the quote, she sent this message ...

If every blade of grass has it's own angel, just imagine how many BGV has! I know it's scary to not know what's happening with your baby and wish this pregnancy was easier for you, but just wanted to pass on that bit of encouragement. I hope your appointment tomorrow goes well and we'll be thinking of you guys. If there's anything we can do to help, please just let us know!

... it brought me a lot of peace and gave me a beautiful image of tiny angels encouraging her growth and BGV thriving in the sunlight of much love.

Thanks, M!

P.S.  There's an update on BGV just below this post ... 

Quick Update & Thoughts

Today's ultrasound was uneventful, and I am currently in the frame of mind to think no news is good news.  Placenta looks good.  It's anterior, which means it's in the front ... but we already knew that.  It makes clear images a bit of a challenge.  Apparently "shooting" through amniotic fluid makes for much better images.  My tech seemed a little grouchy about this, and I felt like sticking my tongue out at her and making truly juvenile noise ... but I resisted the temptation :)  Umbilical cord looks good.  Blood flow looks good.  And Baby Girl 2.0 even took a breath for us, which only happens like once every 30 minutes ... so it was exciting to catch her in action!

Highlights:

• While waiting for the tech, I felt 2.0's hiccups for the first time ... so cute and rhythmic!  (Apparently feeling those hiccups is tough with an anterior placenta.)
  

• The tech took a few minutes at the end to capture Baby Girl's face in 3-D.  Seeing her little nose and lips just made me smile and then cry (like I am right now).  My little diva had the back of her hand pressed to her forehead in a gesture that spoke volumes ... "Enough already!"   I second that emotion, BGV!  Just precious, I tell ya!
  

• Baby Girl 2.0 passed today's "wellness" ultrasound and non-stress test.  And no new "red flags" popped up.
  

This appointment did not include measurements of baby's growth; that's scheduled for next Monday.  I am still trying (more like forcing myself) to stay out of my head and off the search engines.  I wallowed and panicked for several days last week ... after hearing the word "induction" from a fetal specialist - at just 29 weeks into my pregnancy - I was sad and worried and stressed.  And I think I need to dump a few thoughts here now ...

Thoughts about Size, Last Week: Hearing that BGV had slipped below that all important 10th percentile was devastating.  I immediately wanted to know what I had done wrong or what I should've done but didn't.  Despite what I was hearing from the specialist and my own doctor, I fought that blame game to no avail.  I also wanted to know what I could do to improve her chances of a growth spurt in the next two weeks.  Feeling powerless isn't an emotion that sits well with me.

Thoughts about Size, Now: I've made peace with the idea of a small baby ... mainly because my mom reminded me that I am/was a late bloomer.  And I am the runt of my family.  Perhaps my little 2.0 will be just that, little ... my little peanut.  And, well, as I've heard from so many other mommies, there's always the possibility that the measurements are off ... that without any other indications of a problem, perhaps she's either taking her time growing big and strong or she's not as small as the doctor's predict.  I am also feeling bigger this week, and her movements seems "bigger," too ... like elbows and knees coming through my abdomen! That's a good sign, right?!

Thoughts about Induction, Last Week:  I hate the idea of having my labor forced induced.  My first labor was empowering; I did it without drugs and without fear.  I trusted my body, and it felt incredible to be able to do that.   After 8 weeks of contractions and bedrest, my water broke at home, my cervix dilated to 7 cm before I even got to the hospital, I was able to focus and breath through the contractions, and my healthy baby was born in about 4 hours total.  It was MY labor not my doctor's; she was simply there to catch the baby and stitch me up.  The decisions were mine, and my body didn't let me down.  After that kind of experience, it's tough to consider the opposite ...  induction. 

Thoughts about Induction, Now: Induction is an option that I hate to consider.  However, if it's decided - with adequate evidence - that's what is best for my Baby Girl 2.0, then so be it.  Perhaps it won't be as awful as I imagine.  It won't be easy for me to let go of the expectations I had for my second labor experience, but ... I either will or I'll grieve it later.

Thought about IUGR: Intra-uteral Growth Restriction is not a term my doctor's have used, but it's what keeps turning up every time I google, "pregnancy + fetal growth below 10th percentile."  The causes and consequences of that diagnosis are overwhelming and scary.  But until I have next week's growth measurements and an actual diagnosis (if there ever is one), I am not going there ... my sanity won't let me.

Thoughts about my Pregnancy:  This hasn't been an easy 30 weeks.  And I am trying really hard not to wish away the remaining 10 ... or however many I get.  Even with 8 weeks of bedrest during my first pregnancy, I remember being pregnant with great fondness.  This is a very special time in a woman's life ... a time to nurture another life.  With daily (sometimes painful to tears) contractions and more appointments than I can even count, I am having a hard time being fond of this experience, which makes me feel selfish and guilty.  But none of that changes my love for this little girl.  My intense desire to do what is best for her.  My hope that I can get her closer to term before she makes her way into this world.

Appreciation:  I cannot thank you all enough for the support you've offered me during this time.  You've encouraged, listened, shared your own experiences, and helped me get through a tough time.  Most comforting is knowing that you'll be here for me if things do get worse ... and you'll help me celebrate when things turn out just fine :)

Hate to whine, but ...

I had another really crappy Monday.  Seriously, I am starting to dread Mondays ... aside from the fun I have with All About MEme.  Because CPV is home on Mondays to provide childcare, I schedule my doctor's appointments for that day.  Great way to start my week ... like the great glucose debacle of two weeks ago ...  

I interrupt this post to bring you two apologies:

• This post is ridiculously long.  I am sorry about that ... but yesterday was rather action-packed.
• I have not had the chance to visit the All About MEme participants.  I will do my best to do that in the next day.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled post :)

Because this pregnancy has been a bit out-of-the-ordinary, I had two appointments yesterday.

The first was a routine OB appointment with Dr. M.  I gained a few pounds - woo hoo!  My glucose tolerance test came back normal.  Baby's heartrate sounded great.  My uterus was measuring a bit small, which came as no surprise and didn't worry either of us too much.  And somehow, Dr. M talked me into getting a flu shot ... not the H1N1, just the typical flu vaccine.  I've never actually had a flu shot before, and my arm is throbbing and painful ... like 16 hours later.  Next year I think I'll just take my chances.

The second was with the specialist at Maternal Fetal Medicine.  The doctor there has been monitoring my pre-term labor symptoms, checking my cervical length every chance she gets, and making sure baby isn't been affected by all this excitment.  My visit started with a twenty-minute NST (non-stress test) during which I had three contractions.  The baby's heartrate was very reactive - lots of highs and lows - and compared to the heart of a 32 weeker ... at just 29 weeks.  Way to go, Baby Girl 2.0!

I was feeling so proud and assured as I waddled across the hall for my ultrasound;  despite the multitude I've already had, I couldn't wait to get a good look at my baby girl.  With my nagging fear of "not looking" as pregnant as I am, I was anxious to get measurements of the baby's growth.  Foreshadowing.  She looked great on the screen - brain, heart, adorable profile -  and did her best to allude the technician, which just made me smile. 

Next was the most painful fFn test (fetal Fibronectin) I've had thus far - it's like a pap smear - minus the lube and speculum - that checks to see if my body is releasing a protein substance.  It's a predictor of pre-term labor, and it was my 4th swab  this pregnancy.  Well, I don't know what the heck that nurse was doing down there, but instead of a swab, it felt like she was digging around down there - with a tampon - sans lube.  I was none-too-happy about that procedure ... and I think I made my feelings quite clear.  The nurse was apologetic but I still considered kicking her in the face ... not really, but it did feel good to type that ... kind of wish I had thought of that at the time!

The poking and proding ended with the ceremonious checking of my cervix of steel ... which is, in deed, making good on its name.  My cervical length has been unaffected by all these darn contractions ... good news!

Very good news considering what I heard next from Dr. K. 

In a month's time, Baby Girl 2.0 went from the 30th percentile for growth to less than the 10th percentile.  This was not good news, and I was a little shell-shocked and confused and upset.  It could be that she's just small ... and that's okay ... but it's a significant enough change and low enough percentile that rigorous monitoring will be required.  (The following list is really for me to get all of this straight ...)

• Bloodwork done tomorrow to check my thyroid level and meet with my endocronologist to discuss what effect (if any) that level could be having on the baby's growth.
• Additional vitamin containing more folic acid, B12, and B6 ... a little growth cocktail.
• Increased protein in my diet - balanced with "good" carbs. 
• Twice weekly non-stress tests. 
• Weekly ultrasounds to check on baby's well-being, especially blood flow in and out of the placenta and umbilicial cord.
• Ultrasound in two weeks to evaluate baby's growth.
• Dr. K also talked about steroid shots but wants to wait as long as possible before administering; they are most effective when given within two weeks of delivery.  We are still hoping this little nugget is going to cook for many more weeks.

I left the office in tears ... and the stupid receptionist took like 10 minutes to schedule my next appointments.  I couldn't get out of that parking garage fast enough.  Once cell phone service was available, I called Chitown Momma ... and through my sobs explained what had happened.  She was the calm, collected, empathetic rock that I knew she would be.

I drove home in a daze.  Trying to be optimistic.  Trying to remember that this wasn't - by any means - the worst news I could've received.  Baby Girl 2.0 is still happily in utero.  Her heartrate looks great and she's active ...

But I still needed reassurance, so I called my primary care physician / OB to discuss the results of all this testing.  Dr. M is amazing!  Her number one concern was getting my stress level down.  She's a firm believer in the connection between mother's stress and fetal well-being and does not like the idea of me getting worked up.  Just hearing her voice made me feel more calm.  (Perhaps I'll write more about that conversation in another post ...)

I finally arrived back home - almost four hours after leaving for my MFM appointment.  Natalie had just woken up from her nap.  We had a snack and read stories ... while CPV went to have the flat tire fixed.  Oh yeah, I started my day with a flat tire!   And then I headed upstairs for a quick snooze.  I spent the next two hours in a deep sleep and woke up to a delicious pasta dinner.  CPV took care of Natalie and everything else; I am so grateful for him!

My head is still spinning (and my arm is still throbbing) ... but I am making peace with the fact that this pregnancy is going to be a pain in the ass ... but totally worth it in the end! 

Baby Girl 2.0

I love you so!

Please, please, ...

Grow, Grow, Grow!

Yes, I am pregnant! - UPDATED

Here's the promised belly shot ... I even "bared" the belly this time :)

Glucose Tolerance Test Results: I didn't hear from the doctor's office today, so I am assuming, "No news is good news."

Thank you for all the encouraging comments. And note to the world, it is not appropriate to comment on the size of a pregnant lady. The next person who - unsolicited - offers an opinion on my belly size is going to hear the truth about the size of his/her ass ... boo-yah!

Post from earlier today:

In case you didn't hear ... yes, I am pregnant. Actually, I've been "at" this whole baby-growing thing for about 7 months now. I am expecting a baby in December ... just three months to go!

Apparently the acquaintances I run into and the strangers I meet have a differing opinion. Why I let their opinions count is beyond me, but I can't tell you the number of times I've heard ...

"Oh, you don't even look pregnant."
"Gosh, how far along are you? You don't look any bigger than three months!"
"Your belly is just so tiny. It must be all baby."

I know some of you are thinking those are flattering things to hear, but it is really starting to irk me ... because I am, in deed, pregnant. 28+ weeks pregnant. For some reason those comments make me feel like I am doing something wrong. Or there's something wrong with the baby growing inside me. Those comments have me pacing the floor until next Monday when I have (yet another) ultrasound with measurements of the baby.

I am so excited to be pregnant. To be growing a baby inside me.

Just yesterday, a total salesperson at a store actually uttered - quite sincerely - the comment that completely baffles me, "Oh, you don't even look pregnant." Is that a nice thing to say to a pregnant woman?! Is that complimentary? In my book, no, not really. Because I AM pregnant. I am either pregnant or smuggling some goods out of your store!

And so, for your entertainment and my reassurance ... ways that I know I am pregnant.

1. Nether regions can no longer be seen (or tended to) without the assistance of a properly placed mirror. (Supah & Chitown Momma, I know exactly what you're thinking! And you're right!)


2. Tying my shoes is a contortion act. (NHV is still wearing her Crocs because she can put them on herself ... one less contortion required.)


3. Sleeping is a choreographed dance of rolling from my right side to my left side and repositioning the pillow between my legs.


4. I accidentally put on a non-maternity shirt the other day and just about died laughing ... that amount of exposed pasty-white belly is illegal in at least 45 states!


5. My rack is quite fabulous ... like two cups larger than normal. That has something to do with pregnancy, right?!


6. Everything I eat inspires some amount of heartburn ... even the water I am drinking now ... or maybe it was the peanut butter toast and bananas.


7. There's a break dance session in my belly several times a day ... and I LOVE it!


8. I talk with my hands a lot less than usual because my hands are constantly on my belly ... holding it, rubbing it, waiting for a contraction to pass, ...


9. Contractions ... for the past six weeks.


10. I've made two trips to the bathroom in the time it's taken me to type this list of 10!

Thanks for humoring my pregnant-lady rant today.

I'll update with a belly shot ... to provide visual proof of my baby bump. And I should have GTT results in the next few hours ... please let it be negative!

Cervix of Steel

Bad News: I was plagued with lots and lots and lots of contractions again last week. On Wednesday evening, after three hours of contractions every 5 minutes, I broke down and took a dose of terbutaline. It was either that or go to the hospital again. This weekend I did my best to relax, but continued to have contractions ... and started having some discomfort when emptying my bladder.

More Bad News: All these contractions, which I am not suppose to be having, coupled with the pee-pee pain got me to thinking that perhaps I have a bladder infection. I've never had one, but from what I hear UTI is the leading cause of pre-term labor. I was checked for a UTI on the 13th of August but not since then. So I called my doctor this morning and asked to be tested for a bladder infection. I had an appointment within the hour and off I went ...

Somewhat Good News: The sample showed no infection, which means I don't need antibiotics. However, the doctor is concerned about my continued bouts of contractions and other symptoms. I spent 20 minutes having a non-stress test ... listening to the baby's heartbeat (one of my all-time favorite sounds) and watching the little blips of contractions (despite the fact that I had taken my medication just an hour or so before).

Not-Delightful News: It was decided that my cervical length needed to be checked - AGAIN. For like the hundredth time. Off I went to MFM for another ultrasound. These people are starting to know me by name! And while they were at it, I got the "pleasure" of having the FNN swab done - AGAIN. If you've had this test, you know it is not delightful.

Delightful News: I have a cervix of steel - an expression my friend Laurie has used before and a direct quote from my doctor! Despite daily (and sometimes really painful) contractions, my cervical length hasn't changed at all! And BGV 2.0 looks awesome. She is the cutest little peanut, and I got some more great 3D photos. We are hoping I can wait to have another ultrasound in two weeks instead of one.

Ah, so I left the specialists office feeling relieved and reassured ... and starving, so I headed for Jimmy Johns to grab some lunch. How convenient is it that my doctor's office is located just minutes from my favorite sub shop?! I was enjoying lunch - all by myself - when the doctor called ...

More News: My fluid level has gone from high normal to low normal in the course of one week. I am still in the normal range, but I will need to be checked again in one week - so much for my hopes of staying ultrasound-free for a two week period.

Even More News: I also found out today that the results of my one-hour glucose test (taken last Monday) were not good. Perhaps it was the french toast I had for breakfast that morning? And my urine sample today showed lots of glucose ... could that be the blueberry pancakes with maple syrup I had for breakfast? So I have the three-hour glucose test next Monday ... in addition to the ultrasound. And I have been ordered to eat eggs and "meat" and cheese for my first meal of the day. Oh, how I will miss my sweet, carb-driven morning meal :(

So that's the latest from my womb ... hoping for a quiet, contraction-free week ...

It's Different This Time

... isn't it?" Chad asked hesitantly while rubbing my belly the other night.

That statement/question has been bouncing around inside my head all week. I have to agree with my husband, it is different this time. I've been trying to wrap my brain around the differences. How it's different. Why it's different. What's different about it.

Oh, and by this time, I am referring to my second pregnancy ... just in case I lost you along the way, which is likely to happen when things have been bouncing around my head for any amount of time.

The only thing that seems remotely comparable ... the only way I can think to explain it ... is to think about the first kiss I shared with my (now) husband.

That first kiss was anticipation

and electricity (almost tangible)

and blissful ignorance

and blind hopefulness

and trust all wrapped up with a big red bow.

Now, don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of other amazing, memorable, electrifying kisses shared between us ... in our 6 years of courtship and 11 years of marriage. But that first kiss - on my parent's front porch in a March snowstorm - is forever etched in my memory. Actually, it so much deeper than just my brain; it's engraved in my senses. It was a first, and there's something truly special about a first.

My first pregnancy was so much the same way.

The anticipation was like Christmas morning over and over again. Each milestone (doctor appointments, ultrasounds, movement, belly growth) was relished and documented and celebrated. I was constantly learning about the changes my body was going through, and then I was left to wonder when it would happen and what it would feel like.

And, I swear I was literally buzzing for the majority of my pregnancy. I felt like I was emitting my own wavelengths of energy. I was glowing from the inside out. There were times when I tingled from head-to-toe ... just like that first kiss that I felt all the way in my toes! So much of my energy was spent thinking about that baby growing inside me.

As much as I read and researched during my first pregnancy, I also remained blissfully unaware (or at least unconcerned) of the potential complications women experience - all the time. I truly believed that conception was the tough part and as long as I took care of myself, that baby growing inside me would take care of the rest. I never seriously considered the possibility of anything other than giving birth to a healthy baby ... happily ever after.

All of this is not to say - not even imply - that my second pregnancy hasn't been joyful (aside from the contractions starting at 22 weeks). It's just different ... mainly because I know what I know, I've experienced what I've experienced, I've been there, done that.

Rather than pioneering a new frontier, I am revisiting a familiar place.

• I know the rig-a-ma-roll of each OB appointment.
• I know that first trimester kicks your tail.
• I know the energy burst - and need to nest- of the second trimester.
• I know the discomforts and agonizing wait of the third trimester.
• I know that there is little choice in cravings - resistance is futile.
• I know what fetal movement and contractions feel like.
• I know the sensation of my water breaking.
• I know the indescribable feelings of holding your baby for the first time.

I can't un-know those things, a fact that is both reassuring and disheartening. I guess that's how it's different this time. I know what I know (and I like not knowing as much as I like knowing).

There's still anticipation; I cannot wait to meet my second daughter.

There's still an electricity - but it's somewhat dulled by the demands of caring for a two year old.

The ignorance has been replaced by many, many stories of friends and fellow bloggers who had a much different pregnancy and birth story from my own. I have a deeper appreciation but also a stronger level of concern.

Of course, I am still emphatically hopeful of a healthy outcome. And I trust my body to see me through another pregnancy and delivery just as it did the first time.

From one pregnancy to the next, some things never change ... like the fact that your baby and belly grow larger and larger with each passing day ...

As I've been typing this, Baby V 2.0 has been having a little dance party in my belly. No matter how many times I feel that movement, I can't help but enjoy every bump and marvel at the fact that I am growing a baby! Within a matter of months, I will have another daughter. First time. Second time. I don't care who you are, that's exciting!

GUS Update - Long Overdue

So a week ago I was in a much different state of mind ... let's be honest, I busted out the balloons and streamers and threw myself one heck of a Pity Party! I think I am past that now ... for the most part.

I am still frustrated with the prospect of coming out of a super-nauseous first trimester - when I just didn't feel like myself - to figuring out how to channel all this second trimester energy into some form of reduced activity - and still not really feeling like myself, at least not all of the time. The frustration isn't as much for myself as it is for CPV and NHV; they deserve my best but instead I am slacking on housework, depending on hubby more, conserving energy and just getting by somedays with NHV. And we're not talking about a week's worth of that; more like four months!

Ah, but that frustration does melt into the background (still there but blurred) when I think about the baby girl - who needs to stay put for many, many weeks to come - growing inside me.

Let's see ... physically, my uterus is less grumpy than it was, but I am still having a lot of contractions - especially in the afternoon and evening. I've been keeping a running log (just on a notepad, not an Excel spreadsheet like some of you may be thinking!) of when I take the Motrin / Terbutaline and when I am having prolonged bouts of contractions.

I've taken the TERB four times in the past 8 days, which is better than being on it all the time - because it makes me a jittery, exhausted mess. My worst night was Thursday because I was really trying not to take the TERB and waited until 4:00 am, after about 8 hours of contractions, to intervene. I slept very little during that time. I keep thinking rest will be enough, but once the contractions settle into a regular pattern, that pattern is nearly impossible to break without the TERB.

Thankfully, I have an amazing friend - Deann who is also pregnant and due just before me and has a daughter the same age as Natalie - who came and picked up NHV on Friday morning so I could rest until about lunchtime. I cannot tell you what a saving grace that was for me and for Natalie. You are such a dear friend, Deann ... and the soup and muffins were absolutely delicious :)

My best days were Saturday and Sunday. I was practically contraction-free, which almost worried me because I am growing so accustomed to the pain. But what a blessing to have two full, restful days for me, BGV 2.0, and my GUS!

I meet with the specialist again today ... to have my cervical length evaluated (doesn't that sound delightful?), to get a peek at BGV 2.0, and to discuss continued treatment. I wonder how Dr. P will feel about the terbutaline doses I needed?

So, that's the update. Sorry it was somewhat delayed. I really appreciate the love and support as I make my way through the second half of my pregnancy. Oh, and I have had several belly shot requests ... I'll see what I can do about that :)

Raindrops and Silver Linings

Woke up feeling kind of gloomy this morning. The weather here in the NW agrees with my mood. Gray skies and a few raindrops. But I am determined to find the positives in my not-so-positive thoughts.

Raindrops: After a week long visit, we said good-bye to Mimi last night. We will really miss her. Natalie had such a good time and was very well taken care of during our "interesting" weekend and doctor appointments yesterday.

Silver Lining: My very good friend Missy and her super handsome little guy (6 months younger than NHV) will arrive on Sunday. I can't wait to see them both, and I know her visit will be restful and cheerful :)

Raindrops: I fell asleep last night feeling a little uneasy about the course of treatment prescribed by the doctor (not MY doctor) at MFM after yesterday's ultrasound. I did a little online research (sometimes a mistake) about the use of Motrin during pregnancy and didn't find much ... what I did find seemed to indicate that Ibuprofen during pregnancy is overall discouraged.

Silver Lining: I sent an email to my OB - who I trust implicitly - and got a reply this morning. I have at least 10 weeks to use the Motrin as a way to control the contractions. She assured me that this is an appropriate form of treatment - with minimal side effects for me and baby - and a good alternative to the TERB which makes me feel yucky. In addition, I will be closely monitored throughout.

Raindrops: I am not good at resting. I like to be active. I like to get out of the house with NHV - on a daily basis. On top of that, I have this 2nd trimester need-to-nest and extra energy brewing inside me, and I had big plans of projects I wanted to tackle. All of those things are put on hold, and that really annoys me. I know it could be so much worse - at least I am home and with my family. But having to rely on others and stopping myself from doing things that I normally do, like lifting Natalie ... ugh, it's sucky!

Silver Lining: I was suppose to have jury duty starting next week. Now it looks like I have the perfect excuse to get out of that ... not that I want to neglect my civic duty or anything.

Raindrops: Relying on help from others is tough when family lives so far away. I am really worried about being able to take care of Natalie - in the fashion to which she's become accostumed. I know I can get her fed and bathed and put to bed. But we normally spend our days at playdates and the library and running errands and stopping by local parks ... there's only so much fun to be had in the house. While I am not house-bound, I know our activity level is going to reduce. My focus will be on getting groceries and taking care of minor things around the house ... the laundry does need to get done at some point!

Silver Lining: My inbox has been flooded with well wishes and offers of assistance. What a clear and touching and wonderful reminder of the very good friends I have both near and far. It is such a blessing to know that Baby V 2.0 and I are being prayed for and thought of during this time. Quite a few of my local friends have offered to take Natalie for me, which is as much for her as it is for me. She's a social butterfly, and I know spending time with her little friends - and getting out of the house - will make her happy. Now, I just have to force myself to take them up on these generous offers.

Raindrops: This isn't going to be easy.

But the best Silver Lining of all ... Baby Girl V 2.0 is still healthy and happy and in-utero - hopefully for a good long time!