Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Enough

I was feeling really awful last night. The contractions were constant. The medicine wasn't helping. My face was flushed. My body was exhausted. I just wasn't feeling good enough to be the kind of mom I wanted to be for Natalie. Thankfully, my patient, sweet husband stepped in and helped get Natalie ready for bed. I joined them in our bed for stories - part of our routine that I really grown to love, the three of us cuddled together and the baby giving gentle kicks at the sounds of our voices - but I was there half-heartedly. Hoping it was enough just to be in the room. Knowing that I wasn't giving my full attention to a nightly ritual that I ordinarily cherish. My mind wandered to the things on my ever growing To Do List that remain to be done. There's never enough time to do the things that need to be done, yet alone the things that I want to do. Is enough ever really enough?

My thoughts were interupted by giggles and tickles ... but it was bedtime, not playtime ... and I was annoyed. After several close calls with Natalie's feet flailing toward my belly and then a quite purposeful (albeit playful) bop on my head, I rolled myself at of bed, away from the two people I love most in this world, and, in a hateful and awful tone, said, "I've had enough," and proceeded to stomp out of the room.

It brought tears to my eyes then, and it brings tears to my eyes now. That ugly moment stuck with me through the night. It clung to me this morning and followed me around all day.

And then, I found this ... this beautiful proverb typed on a card ... while cleaning out a drawer (because I am in unstoppable nesting mode right now). I know this proverb well, but I cannot remember where I found it originally. I haven't seen it in a very long time, but I think you'll understand why I am sharing it with you now.

May your joys be as bright as the morning,
And your sorrows merely be shadows that fade,
In the sunlight of love.
May you have enough happiness to keep you sweet.
Enough trials to keep you strong.
Enough sorrows to keep you human.
Enough hope to keep you happy.
Enough failure to keep you humble.
Enough success to keep you eager.
Enough friends to give you comfort.
Enough faith and courage in yourself to banish sadness.
Enough wealth to meet your needs.
And one thing more:
Enough determination to make each day
A more wonderful day than the day before.

Last night, I thought I'd had enough.
Today, I am praying that someday that will actually be true.

13 comments:

JosiahsMommy said...

What a sweet post. Thank you for this reminder. It's a great proverb. I hope you have a better day today. I know pregnancy can make you just want your own body back to yourself. *hugs* Don't beat yourself up over last night. Your family knows how much you love them.

Raising Z said...

Wow...that really hit home for me today. Thank you! I have been pretty short lately with my two guys, it is hard when you feel so tired and irritable and have so much to do. Despite my moodiness my husband continues to tell me how beautiful that I am (that I glow) and that I am a wonderful mommy. I then feel like I don't deserve those compliments after my behavior and weep....you have got to love pregnancy hormones!

Evonne said...

Thanks for the reminder. I hope things get better soon!

Chi-town momma said...

Love you.

SupahMommy said...

aww. that was so nice.

you're human d.. and stretched to the limit..
taking care of yourself is knowing when your running on empty and being okay with it.

you mess up one moment .. only to be brilliant the next

you are not alone and i'm sure today will be much better

leave the unimportant stuff alone: rest rest rest...

that stuff will pile up again in 2 months.
xoxoxo
d

mammydiaries said...

That is lovely. And needed. Thanks :)

Oliver'sMom said...

Huge hugs to you lady! Loved the post. In our minds we have this "perfect" mom image that we are always trying to match; some days we all feel like we aren't doing enough to meet those impossibly high standards that we set for ourselves. Really, it's IMPOSSIBLE to ever give our kids and family enough of what they deserve, so we're caught in this eternal battle. I KNOW I should be better at xyz, but today I'm just too @#$% tired, too worn out, too...just not in the mood! It's hard, but we've got to give ourselves a break now and then just to recharge. Emotions, pregnancy or not, are so cyclic that it makes living up to our potiential EVERY minute of the day impossible. OK, enough rambling. Off to find the blue snot-sucker and hold my boy to the bed so he can breathe again! Wish me luck (I'm sure the smacks to the head in this case WON'T be playful! LOL)

Jessica said...

We all have those days - don't be too hard on yourself. What a beautiful verse. Thanks for sharing.

Big Mama Cass said...

You are going through a lot. You have such a full plate and are handling it beautifully. Don't worry about one outburst. It is better to walk away and take the moment you need.

Jessica said...

A Japanese proverb for you:
"Fall down seven times, get up eight."

We all know you will always get right back up again! Thanks for giving us all the reminder of what's important in life. It's hard to see it sometimes through the everyday clutter.

Jacquelyn said...

That's really nice, thanks for sharing.

Janelle said...

I have those days more often than I want to...I just have a hard time admitting it to myself and anyone else. Thank you for sharing with all of us...it's good to know we aren't alone is this crazy adventure of motherhood.

Anonymous said...

I am wiping the tears from my cheeks! I know exactly how you feel. I had a similar experience yesterday with my 14 year old! Things like that happen to all of us. The special thing is that you are aware of it and you do what you can to make a change. Dont beat yourself up about it! You are a fab. mom!! and NHV is sooo sooo lucky that you as her mom!!

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