Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Running Away From Home

That's me. Running away from home. Not sure whose dog that is following me, but whatever.

Today has been a very trying day. A day when I really don't feel like being a mom* - as if that's an option. And well, that seems like a good enough reason to run away.

I can remember threatening to run away when I was all of about 6 years old. Putting a pair of dainties, a deck of cards, and a handful of crackers in a bandanna, and heading out the front door ... this kind of running away was really a cry for attention. (And why is the bandanna and stick "the luggage of choice" in this situation?) I didn't get far - never really intended to - and wasn't gone long - it was a summer month, hot and humid, and I hadn't packed anything to drink ... besides, I figured I had made my point just by walking out the door. So back I went. Forgotten was the injustice that spurred me into runaway action in the first place.

This scenario replays in my childhood memories about a handful of times, and I always found it empowering to pack that little bag and walk out the door ... only to return again. I also remember that my own mom would sometimes runaway from home. With four kids, I am fairly certain she had good reason. But, here's the kicker, her running away usually went unnoticed, which infuriated her even more. After a few hours to defuse, she'd come back expecting fanfare - at the very least a hug or two - and questions like, "Where were you?" Instead she found that life continued without her as the center of our universe. A notion that should've inspired relief but was a hard pill to swallow. That is not to say that we could've survived long without her. A few hours is one thing, but much longer than that, and our world pretty much did fall apart.

Back to the monstrosity that was today. *First I should say that I am racked with guilt for admitting that I don't feel like being a mommy today. What an awful thing to think/say/blog. But it's the honest truth, so there it is. Clearly, Natalie was not herself; she is typically - with very few exceptions - a delightful, sweet baby girl. I am guessing she woke up on the wrong side of the crib (Is that even possible considering her crib is against the wall?) - about an hour and a half earlier than usual , and the day just plummeted downhill from there. My day was a constant onslaught of fussiness, mini-tantrums, and her terribly annoying cough-cry. She refused to take a bottle or eat anything besides strawberries and Veggie Booty. Any tiny glimmers of contentment lasted all of about three seconds ... except when I played the eebee DVD, a 10-minute slice of heaven in an otherwise hellish day, and Natalie got two doses. I tried, people, I really did. My mommy bag o' tricks was apparently out of commission because absolutely nothing worked. (And what's up with the freakin' kitchen sink? I swear someone keeps dumping dirty dishes in there, and I've had it!)

And so at the end of this very long day, I don't particularly care for a bubble bath, so Calgon won't be taking me away; I'll be taking myself away ... to Agrestic, where Nancy's life is so much more complicated and interesting and awful than my own! Weeds, Season 3, here I come ... thanks to Tammy for loaning me the discs and to Scott for bringing them to me - now that's service!


Laura said...

Dana Lou- I am so sorry you had such a crap-tastic day.Do not feel like a bad mom because we have all been there. I have been there myself many times! You are a great mom and don't ever think otherwise. And if you are thinking of running away again let me know...we can run away together! :) Love you girl and that fussy butt Natalie too. Hope she is having a better day today.
P.S-I always loaded up the red wagon when I was running away as a kid. I must have been in it for the long haul.

TX momma said...

Oh my goodness, my friend! I'm sorry, you had such a yucky day! Know that Natalie knows how much you love her, even when she is a poopy head. No guilt. You are probably doing good for the mommy world by sharing the true ins and outs of being a mom! Not every day can be great! I love you and so does Natalie...and after witnessing you in action, I can assure you what a fantastic mommy you are!
Love you,

T&D said...

Bummer for the difficult day. Don't feel bad for feeling like abandoning motherhood briefly. You wouldn't be a normal mom if you never had a moment or two, or three, or four ... in your life like this. Be guilt free, you love your girl and it shows :-) Mommy meltdowns are perfectly okay and I think that they are necessary once in a while. And BTW, I agree, where in the world do all those dishes come from???? :-?

~d said...

No harm no foul Miss DV. :) I guarantee you will have several million more of those moments! Don't rack yourself with any guilt over it. It will be the ONLY thing that gets you through sometimes. Just pure honesty. On days like those, where nothing works... it's okay to use whatever is working. 56 times. Even a video! Just know that ... "this too shall pass.." as I'm sure it already has! Allow yourself those moments. :)

(((( hugs))))
and hopes for a quick return of happy NV.


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