Sweet Frustration

Just look at that sweet face.  

How in world could that peaceful, adorable face 

be causing me such frustration? 

It's petty, really, and I know that.

It's just that she only sleeps like that when I either hold her or Ergo her or cuddle her in my bed.  When one of those three options are employed, she's a great sleeper.  In her bassinet, I can only count on about 30 minutes of peaceful sleep ... before she needs me to help her fall back to sleep. 

Today I feel like every moment of my free time is spent helping her to sleep and keeping her that way.  And I am feeling frustrated.

A big part of my current predicament is my fault ... but I rationalize it mostly because of her age and size.

CJV is still so young and small.  She's nearly two months old, but she's only weighing in the mid seven pound range - a weight that is typical of - if not smaller than - most newborns.  And so I continue to treat her like a newborn.  I hold her and cuddle her and watch her sleep.  I know that I should be empowering her to put herself to sleep ... that transition should probably be happening now.  But I am not sure I am ready to give her that slice of independence.  Part of me loves knowing that she so completely depends on me.

In the back of my mind and squeezing at my heart is the fact I won't be the mommy of a newborn ever again; at least we've semi-made that decision.  Selfishly, I just want to soak up every moment.

But, just as selfishly, I could also use a few moments to myself.  Oh, what's a momma to do?!

ESP: Six Weeks

Current Weight: 7  pounds

EAT:  From an eating standpoint, the past ten days have been very different.  At her one month check-up (10 days ago), the pediatrician deemed her weight gain (6 lbs. 9 oz. at that point) significant and consistent.  Enough that I got the go-ahead to stop the pumping, stop the bottle-feeding, stop waking her for feedings, and breastfeed exclusively and on-demand.    What a relief!  I was so happy to finally be released from the pump prison!   The best part, though, the switch has been nothing but successful!  I am amazed by how well my little baby transitioned from chugging a bottle to sucking the ... well, I don't want to get graphic, but you know. 

And I would say that she's even better at nursing than NHV ... not that I am comparing or making it a competition.  It just surprises me because I've heard so much about nipple confusion and babies who refuse to nurse after drinking from a bottle for extended amounts of time.  Even more impressive, CJV goes for decent stretches in between feedings ... 2, 3, 4, even 5 hours.  NHV nursed all the freaking time ... like every hour and a half to two hours ... longer stretches were rare rather than the norm.

In the past few days, I have noticed an increase in spit-up ... but I think that's normal at this point.  I just hope it doesn't last as long as it did with Natalie.

SLEEP:  Charlotte continues to be a pretty darn good sleeper.  (Gosh, I hope I am not totally jinxing myself here!)  And her periods of alertness are definitely increasing.  She's not great at putting herself to sleep; she fights it a little.  She doesn't really cry or fuss ... just gets that wide-eyed stare, classic overstimulation.  But the 5 S's ... swaddle, side, shush, swing, and suck ... are pretty fool-proof in triggering her calming reflex.  Of course, CJV still prefers to be held while snoozing - she's a newborn afterall, but she can also sleep for good stretches in her bassinet ... if the planets align just right.  The Ergo carrier has been invaluable during the day.  Charlotte will sleep in there while Natalie and I go about our business.  When she does get really tired, the stork bites on her eyelids get darker.

PERSONALITY:  I know I am completely biased, but geez, this baby girl is so very sweet!  She's very calm and mellow ... the majority of the time.  Even when she does get upset, Charlotte is quick to soothe and overall very content.  I love all the baby sounds she is making now ... aaaaahs and ooooohs and sighs.  Although she honks less, there are still plenty of grunts and snorts.  If she's waking up and feeling hungry, she tells me with a series of stretches and grunts.  She also has the best sleep grins.  I am still waiting on the real thing, but in the meantime, I cannot get enough of her little grins! 

Charlotte's favorite things (aside from the girls) ... her binky, my face, when I sing, "Hey, hey pretty Charlotte," the Fussy Baby poster next to her changing table, a foam wedge, and the fan in our master bathroom.

And I'll leave you with one more photo ... her little outfit, a gift from my friend Sarah Lou, says, "Whoooo's the cutest?"

You are Charlotte Jane.  You are.

10:30 am

It's 10:30 am, and I am just now rolling out of bed.

Sounds so decadent, right?  Like something reserved for high schoolers and college kids.  At the very least it seems like something done on an occasional Saturday ... before starting a family.

Well, I am feeling somewhat rested, but it's not nearly as luxurious as it sounds.

At 7:30 am, I was feeding a "starving" newborn ... and then holding her upright while those two ounces of breastmilk digested.

At 8:30 am, I was eating a yummy scrambled egg and toast breakfast prepared by my awesome husband.

At just before 9:00 am, I was waving good-bye to my husband and two-year old as they left for a visit to the local kid's museum.

Back in bed just after 9:00 am and managed to sleep until the next "scheduled" feeding time ... 10:30 am.

I am living life in 3-hour chunks.  If half that time is spent sleeping (can that small amount of time even be called sleeping?), then, hey, life is good!

ESP - Two Weeks Old

Babies are good for three things ...

Eating -- Sleeping -- Pooping

And so, as Charlotte meets the milestone of being two weeks old, here's my ESP Report.

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Birth Weight: 4 pounds 9 ounces

Current Weight: 5 pounds 5 ounces

As of Monday, when she was 12 days old,  my little nugget has gained 12 ounces ... and I figure that's an ounce a day!

Length: a little over 17 inches

Overall Growth Percentile (based on gestational age): still hovering between the 3rd and 5th percentile

Disposition: calm, patient, mellow 

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Eating - Because of her small size, most of the decisions about CJ's nutrition have been made by the NICU doctor and her pediatrician.  She's been - primarily - bottle-fed on a schedule;  first formula and then breastmilk fortified with small amounts of calorie powder.  This means that every three hours, she gets a bottle of about an ounce to two ounces of breastmilk.  After she's fed, her immature digestive system requires that she be held upright for about 30 minutes - or risk a traumatic spit-up-choking episode, which happened four times at the hospital ... and CJ stopped breathing all four times - yeah, no thanks.

And since the breastmilk is supplied by my hardworking "girls," I have to sit and pump for 15 to 20 minutes.  Including time to clean the pumping accessories, this process takes about an hour and a half.  Thankfully I've had help from the grandmas because this schedule was quickly becoming a huge source of frustration and exhaustion for me.  And I'll let you in on a little secret ... I detest pumping.

After Monday's weigh-in and Charlotte's continued progress, the decision was made to start getting serious about getting her to nurse on a regular basis.  You can visualize a little happy dance right about here.  Now every other feeding is a calming, relaxing, all-natural nursing session ... no pumping required!  We are two full days into this new schedule, and I must say that I am a much happier mama ... and most importantly, Charlotte is doing great ... her latch could use some improvement, but she continues to be flexible and calm and amazing!

Sleeping - As with most pre-term babies, Charlotte sleeps ... a lot ... and she sleeps just about anywhere.  If she had her way, she'd probably prefer to be held while snoozing.  And since maintaining her own body temperature continues to be tough (with so little body fat) and to burn lots of calories, the grandmas and I have been happy to oblige her.  At night she sleeps in a bassinet right next to my bed, and  love having her so close.

It is very rare to hear her cry, but this little girl is a noisy sleeper ... she grunts, honks, (like a goose, not a car) squeaks, beeps, and sighs ... all the time.  I certainly don't remember NHV being this noisy!  I am very tempted to record what she sounds like because it is just so darn funny!  Thankfully I am getting to know her noises ... which ones I can ignore and which ones require me to check on her.

Pooping - I am sure this falls under the TMI category, so I will spare you the gory details ... but this little girl doesn't have a problem with making the poopies (unfortunately, her big sister suffers that infliction).  With that said, we've only had one blow-out ... and it was more of a diaper malfunction than a quantity issue.  Sidenote:  Preemie diapers are a complete rip-off.  They are essentially the same size as a Newborn diaper - maybe a few millimeters difference, but they cost twice as much ... about 30 cents each!

Colic SUCKS!

Guest Blogger: ChitownMomma

Why my dear friend, Laurie aka ChitownMomma, doesn't have her own blog is beyond me. I certainly enjoy what she writes and thought you might too ...

I also find it necessary to remind you that Laurie recently moved from TX to IL (no family nearby), is the mom of two ... under the age of two (for the next few days), and she is undergoing physical therapy on her nether-regions (perhaps she'll grace us with another post about that). In addition, she is experiencing colic through the lungs of her baby girl. You've gotta read this!

In Laurie's words ...

Let me just say, that colic. sucks. bad. I would even go so far as to say that colic sucks F*%#ING bad. And for all you non cursers out there, after you live with a colicky baby for a few weeks the number of f-bombs in your daily vocabulary will increase exponentially! So for the past month my adorable little newborn has wreaked havoc on our household! Yes, that new little baby, that I am supposed to love with my whole heart and soul has brought the devil into our house! Here is the lowdown of how our lives have progressed.

Week 1: Taylor arrives home, sleeps all the time. Life is good great! Big brother, Benjamin, is transitioning perfectly. Ah, what a fabulous family of four we have become.

Week 2: Life continues to be great. This two kid thing is WAY better than I had anticipated. Totally manageable.

Week 3: We started to experience crying at night. “Oh no!” we say. This is not so much fun. But babies cry and it will pass. We were such suckers!

Week 4: The crying starts to get rather intense at times. She just doesn’t seem to be consolable. It starts every night around 6, just in time for Daddy to get home. He begins to wonder why she hates him. Dinner time is no longer enjoyable. People whisper about this colic thing, but we aren’t believers.

Week 5: We now add a noontime crying session to the evening scream fest. Taylor is adorned with the nickname, “Little screamy.” People on Facebook joke about this nickname…we aren’t laughing. Where, oh where, is that sweet baby girl we brought home from the hospital? Oh, and the projectile vomiting begins…note to future guests. Sit on the futon with care!

Week 6: Let’s see what can sum this up? Hell on Earth, perhaps? During this week…

• What used to be two separate fits of screaming gelled into one extended, miserable existence for our entire family. Pretty much from noon until 10 pm, if she was awake, she was screaming!


• I cried every day - at least 3 times, for at least 3 min, for at least 3 days of the week - does that qualify me for some type of Rule of three for Colicky Parents???


• Watched my toddler put his head in his hands and shake his head when she started screaming again.


• Called my husband at worked and told him I no longer wanted to be a mom of two anymore. AND I was serious! (ahhh, the guilt of saying that one out loud!)


• I drank a lot of wine and breastfed anyway (Ok, more guilt made me stop at two small glasses each night, but I never would have done that with my first child!)


• I was on my way to having thighs of steel from all the bouncing that I did – on the exercise ball, with her in the carrier, while walking outside, in the steam filled bathroom. You name it, I have bounced on/with/in it!

Week 7: Here we are now. Took her to the Dr. yesterday and she said there is nothing medically wrong. How bad is it that I was disappointed? I was hoping for a little reflux or something so that we could give her some drugs and be on our way! Pathetic I know. Desperate times, people! The one good tip she game me was try something for 20-30 min, if it doesn’t work stop, put her down, walk away and let her cry on her own for 20-30 min. Keep working in 20-30 min chunks until the day is over. Let’s see, screaming starts at noon, goes to bed at 10, that makes for 20-30 chunks of time and I only have to suffer through half of them. It somehow makes it more manageable. Until I stop to think of my little nugget suffering through all 20-30 of them…

So to sum it all up, Colic. SUCKS!

Oh my dear friend, I am feeling for you. Hoping things get better. Praying that my little fetus doesn't give me this kind of run for my money because I don't have what it takes - I am admitting that up-front!