I was feeling really awful last night. The contractions were constant. The medicine wasn't helping. My face was flushed. My body was exhausted. I just wasn't feeling good enough to be the kind of mom I wanted to be for Natalie. Thankfully, my patient, sweet husband stepped in and helped get Natalie ready for bed. I joined them in our bed for stories - part of our routine that I really grown to love, the three of us cuddled together and the baby giving gentle kicks at the sounds of our voices - but I was there half-heartedly. Hoping it was enough just to be in the room. Knowing that I wasn't giving my full attention to a nightly ritual that I ordinarily cherish. My mind wandered to the things on my ever growing To Do List that remain to be done. There's never enough time to do the things that need to be done, yet alone the things that I want to do. Is enough ever really enough?
My thoughts were interupted by giggles and tickles ... but it was bedtime, not playtime ... and I was annoyed. After several close calls with Natalie's feet flailing toward my belly and then a quite purposeful (albeit playful) bop on my head, I rolled myself at of bed, away from the two people I love most in this world, and, in a hateful and awful tone, said, "I've had enough," and proceeded to stomp out of the room.
It brought tears to my eyes then, and it brings tears to my eyes now. That ugly moment stuck with me through the night. It clung to me this morning and followed me around all day.
And then, I found this ... this beautiful proverb typed on a card ... while cleaning out a drawer (because I am in unstoppable nesting mode right now). I know this proverb well, but I cannot remember where I found it originally. I haven't seen it in a very long time, but I think you'll understand why I am sharing it with you now.
May your joys be as bright as the morning,
And your sorrows merely be shadows that fade,
In the sunlight of love.
May you have enough happiness to keep you sweet.
Enough trials to keep you strong.
Enough sorrows to keep you human.
Enough hope to keep you happy.
Enough failure to keep you humble.
Enough success to keep you eager.
Enough friends to give you comfort.
Enough faith and courage in yourself to banish sadness.
Enough wealth to meet your needs.
And one thing more:
Enough determination to make each day
A more wonderful day than the day before.
Last night, I thought I'd had enough.
Today, I am praying that someday that will actually be true.
